codyg1985’s Think Tank

First I should say that if you are reading this from my blog (http://www.codyg1985.com), I usually don’t write blog entries pertaining to my personal life. I have also not been posting very many blog entries on here at all until recently. Still, I figure that writing what’s on my mind will help me let others know how I feel and make me feel a little bit better. Secondly, this is a long post, so I apologize in advance for those of you that have short attention spans.

Firstly, my NASA job is going great right now, that is if my goal is to go to work and maybe do something productive every other day or so. What everyone’s job is in my department is to oversee the planning and construction of facilities on Marshall Space Flight Center (MSFC). If a project is in the planning stages, an engineering firm creates plans for that project. Those plans are submitted to us and discussed usually at the 30, 60, and 90 percent stage before the final plans are discussed and approved. During the design phase most of us give our input into the project and then attend the meeting to address our concerns with the engineering firm.

The above encompasses most of what my department does at MSFC. This is all fine and dandy for people that have had prior experience in engineering, particularly design. For me, it is a bit like trying to comment on a book written in Latin when I have only had a few courses in that language. I tend to think that I have a mind of an engineer, but because I lack experience, it is hard for me to find relevant comments to make on a project when I don’t know what to look for. I imagine as I get more experience I will get better at asking relevant questions, but now I just feel useless besides just doing extremely basic tasks that no one else wants to do.

Even if I knew what to say at the meetings, buildings and facilities isn’t what got me to be a Civil Engineer. My interest and passion lies with highways and railroads. I have been fascinated by trains, roads, and bridges ever since I was a little kid. A job that involved designing or studying highways, railroads, and/or bridges would be my dream job. Unfortunately, the folks I work for don’t work on either highways or roads, so I would not ever be able to design or comment on those as long as I work for NASA (inside or outside of my current department).

Even though I feel kind of dangling on a string here, I can’t say enough about how well I have been taken care of as a NASA co-op. I truly feel like a part of the MSFC family. Going past the wonderful benefits I incur from working/co-oping at NASA, my supervisor, my mentor, and everyone I work with are some of the most polite, caring, wonderful people that you will ever meet.

One day when I was unfortunate enough to run into a curb and blow out two of my tires, everyone was helpful in getting my car from the office to a tire place to get the tires replaced. When I was going to pay for the tire replacement, my check would not go through. It turns out that the check reader at that tire place was broken; it wasn’t that I didn’t have any money. Still, one of my co-workers that drove me to pick up my car paid for the repairs. I did pay him the next day, and I am grateful that I had that person to help me out when I needed it.

Of course, I don’t want to make a decision on whether or not to work at NASA after graduating based solely on the people. I want to enjoy what I do, and while I think I would enjoy the type of work I would be doing in my current department, I would much rather be working in design, particularly with highways or railroads. I need to address this with my supervisor and my mentor, but I don’t know when it is best to do so. I may bring this up during my next work term. If either of them reads this blog, then I am sorry for not bringing this up in front of you personally first. I do know that if I work for NASA after I graduate I will be well taken care of. I may have opportunities to shoot to the top very soon due to the amount of people retiring.

My next concern is my family. As some of you may know, I only see two or three members of my family on a regular basis. I don’t ever see my so-called father or his side of the family. I have not spoken to my half-sister that is now 32 years old with a husband and three kids for several years. I see my grandfather once every occasion. I only see my grandmother, mother, and aunt on a regular basis. Of those three, my aunt and mother have not spoken to each other since about ten years ago. Most of the other members of my family are, unfortunately, at the bottom of the totem pole. A lot of them are constantly out of work while attempting to raise children. Moreover, many of these people to which I’m referring didn’t finish high school, so even if one of them were to get a job, they would still be underemployed. What’s worse is that their mother won’t let them go, put her foot down, and force them to make a living on their own.

As a result of the above, I don’t have a family-like atmosphere when I am at home. This thanksgiving only me and my grandmother had Thanksgiving dinner. My mother said she was sick, and my aunt said that she didn’t have enough money to drive 40 miles or so to join us. I am troubled by the prospect that Christmas will be similar to this Thanksgiving.

I’m going to be honest in saying that I seek a family-like atmosphere from the friends that I have. I have a better time when I am around people of my age due to the number of people I am around. When I go home I don’t get to be around but maybe one or two other people at one time. I don’t know what I can do to improve my family situation. Being alone during the holidays can be tough, and I am dreading the Christmas break for that reason. I don’t see any prospects of being around a lot of friends and family during the break. Members of my family are getting me nice Christmas gifts this year, but those just are not going to make me as happy as lot of friends and family. I hope that this situation changes soon somehow.

My third concern is my social skills, particularly my trouble with the opposite sex. I don’t really have a bad social life, though I wished it were a little more active. I am discouraged by my bad luck I have had with women. It seems like those that are single are hard to come by, and then when I do talk to them they are in the process of being taken by someone else, that person “doesn’t want a relationship right now, ” or that person “just wants to be friends.”

I have always been shy nervous about talking with women. I am afraid I will say something that will come over as bad, or that I will completely mince my words in an attempt to hold a conversation. What’s worse is that a lot of times I can’t figure out what to say, which makes whatever I say next seem very out of place or just weird. My tongue-block has been a barrier between having a good relationship with not only women, but also most of my friends. I can usually start a conversation with someone, but then afterwards I lose interest or run out of things to talk about. Talking about feelings is a no-no, especially after what happened to me a few months ago. Those are confined to the realm of my mind and the occasional blog post.

I think that I am a really likable person. Because of that, I am not going to change my lifestyle and my personality for anyone just so someone will like me better or so I can fit in. Period. I am not going to put that much effort into something that may never work out. I do think I need to get out more and talk to more people, and I think I have done a nice job of doing that this semester, especially compared to my attempts in prior semesters. I have met many people over this semester, especially on the Niagara trip. I have tried to talk to some of those people so I could get to know those people better, but still beyond my circle of close friends that I hang out with on a regular basis, I don’t have much contact with many other people outside of Facebook or IM.

I’m going to continue to get out more, attend more campus events, and “invite myself” into more social gatherings. Sitting down and only whining about it isn’t going to do a damn thing to advance my cause (and don’t think that this is all I do). This post, especially the third concern, is more of a post in frustration than anything else. I am frustrated about my luck with women. I don’t talk about this to anyone because, as I said before, I don’t discuss feelings with anyone anymore.

I am going out for a drive tomorrow. I think I need to since I have not done that in a while.